Love conquers all

or so I thought

But you’ve said goodbye

So maybe it’s not

You keep fighting to be free

Somehow I’m never the one

So you’ll keep searching

But for me my searching is done

Happy is what you search for

He is who you miss

I just filled a void

Until your next first kiss

I want to beg for you to stay

But I know it won’t matter

You’ve made up your mind

And my life just got a whole lot sadder

You’ve made me a better person

I’m now a stronger man

I don’t want to live without you

But you have a different plan

So soak up those new crush butterflies

Savor each first kiss

Those always feel real

Until you remember who you really miss

I love you

And that will never change

But you are done with me, with us

This already feels strange.

Saying goodbye to us

has never hurt so much

But you seem to be happier

Even without my touch

So goodbye to my lover

Goodbye to my friend

Goodbye to forever

I thought it would never end

One more night

I saw this coming for weeks but still hoped it wouldn’t happen. I’ve felt you slip away and I’ve known that your love had faded. I keep hoping that I’m dreaming and that I’ll wake up in your arms… but we both know that’s not going to happen. I wish I had just one more night with you.

One more night to show you how much I love you. One more night to feel your skin on mine. Had I known the last time was going to be our last time I would have made much more special.

One more night to hold you in my arms. One last time to smell and taste your skin.

One more night to laugh with you. We shared so many before. It’s one of the things I’ll miss most.

One more night to love you. To give you all of my love and passion so that maybe you’d change your mind.

But I know none of this is possible. I know that you are gone. I know that my heart will never love the same. I know that I’ve lost my one true love.

She’s the life of the party

Beautiful as can be

She’s got it all together

But doesn’t have a moment for me

She’s too busy for love

Always on the run

No time for herself

No time for fun

But It’s a first kiss kinda night

Damn girl your looking so hot

I want you to want me

Come on baby let’s give it a shot

But I’m not buying it

She deserves more

She deserve love

Isn’t that what life is for

I promise it’ll be worth it

Don’t just wonder how it would have been

Let that country girl out

Let this cowboy in

But It’s a first kiss kinda night

Damn girl you’re looking so hot

I want you to want me

Come on baby let’s give it a shot

It’s a first kiss kinda night

And I can’t wait

For that first kiss tonight

That first kiss….

You’re in another world and I want to go with you

Can’t wait to get you home and slowly undress you

You’re lost in the music and I’m lost in your eyes

The whole world slows watching you dance in those lights

It’s nights like these that make a life a dream

It’s nights like these that make a man wanna scream

Short shorts long legs

girl in them boots don’t make me start to beg

Let’s carry this concert back to our place

The boots will come off let’s, slow the pace

I wanna love you and tease you until night fades to black

I’ll rub you and touch you everywhere front to back

Get lost in our music as we melt into each other

Get lost in the beat of this song about lovers

Sun kisses your face just before I do

A new Day is here for us to dance to

Let me have this dance today and forever

Make all the rest jealous of the best us ever.

The mind is an amazing thing. When you set your mind to something and truly commit to it nothing can stop you.

A few days ago I posted about an unrealistic goal that I was challenging myself with. Lose 45-50 lbs in 30 days…

Okay, it’s only been 4 days but so far I’m killing it. 4 days with no alcohol (those that know me know that’s a feat), I’ve been utilizing intermittent fasting where you fast for 16 hours and have an eating window of 8 hours and I’ve hiked or ran a minimum of 2.5 miles each day.

So far I’m down 5 lbs (as of this morning which is 3 days) which comes out to 1.66 lbs per day. Multiply 1.66 by 30 and you get 50 lbs (49.8).

I’m sore… I’m a little hungry but that’s it. Otherwise I’m feeling good. I’m feeling optimistic about this challenge. Now I realize that I might have days where I slip up. I’m traveling this weekend and will spend a good chunk of two days in airports. I’ll be in another state without my own kitchen and I will be going out. If I can make it through this weekend and stay close to on track the rest will be a piece of cake…. mmmm, I like cake.

My point to all of this is to say, set crazy goals for yourself. Aim beyond your target and push yourself to a greater and best you.

Get rid of the distractions and purge the people that have been bringing you down. Gain support from friends and use them to stay accountable.

After this challenge I intend to find an even greater challenge. It may or may not be physical. It may a relationship, it may be an entrepreneurial challenge or it may be a creative challenge. I don’t know yet… what I do know is that I want to conquer the world and right now I feel like I can!!

I made a promise that I would write less about my breakup and try to focus on other topics (And I will) but this has to be said… I’ve had an epiphany.

My relationship ended and I was heartbroken. Then I found out that shortly after our breakup that she was seeing another guy (supposedly only after we broke up). It threw me into a jealous rage that resulted in some very inappropriate behavior.

She told me that she was afraid of me. That she’s feared what I would do next. She said that she was always looking over her shoulder and scared about me popping up.

I couldn’t understand how someone that I loved (and that had loved me as well) could ever be afraid of me. I mean she knows me. She knows the kind of man that I am.

Because I didn’t believe that she was scared I continued to make bad decisions which scared her even more and ultimately ended any chance of even a friendship, let alone ever getting back together.

The other night a friend of mine told me that this guy that she had been dating was stalking her and that she was terrified of him. Listening to her and hearing about what he had done shocked me….. it’s what I had done. Okay he went a little further than me but some of the stuff was the same. I mean I’ve never shown up unannounced at my ex’s house. I haven’t sent flowers to her job or shown up at her job but some of the other stuff was similar. True they didn’t have a long term relationship but again there was enough similarity to make me think.

I told her that I would contact him and ask him to stop. For the next hour or so, him and I went back and forth via IG message. He threatened me and told me that he knew I was lying. He knew that she wasn’t really scared of him. He said that she had told him that she loved him so that there was no way that she was scared.

Boom! This rocked me. Instantly my eyes were opened. I suddenly saw me in this guy and my ex in my friend. I was blown away. It finally made sense to me after I wrote this line to him, “it doesn’t matter whether or not you think she’s scared or if you think she’s overreacting, it’s about her and how she feels… it’s not about you, it’s about her”.

The moment I wrote that and realized what I had done I started to cry. What had I done to this woman that I loved? STILL love! How selfish and blind was I not to recognize what I had caused?

I could now sympathize with both this guy and my ex. From his perspective I could understand not believing that she was scared. I could see that he thought what he was doing was out of love. From her perspective I could see that the fear was real.

Now when I see her around town, I freak out. I don’t want her to think that I’m following her. I don’t want to add to the fear and anxiety. I’ve seen her twice since my epiphany, once leaving a restaurant and once coming out of our local movie theater. When I saw her my anxiety shot through the roof. I don’t think she saw me either time but just the fear that she could have made me nauseous. That’s the problem with a small town, you’re bound to run into each other. My epiphany only happened last week but I now find myself fearful of running into her.

As I sit down to write this on this cool Monday morning, sitting in this coffee shop, I almost have a sense of relief. I think that I can be a better person now that I have empathy for how my ex feels. Before I just thought that she was overreacting. That she was taking things out of context. Now I know, what I think is irrelevant. If she feels a certain way, that’s her reality and I need to respect that. I want to respect that.

It is probably way too late for me to have any chance to fix the damage I’ve caused with the love of my life. My punishment is living with the fact that I caused all of this. But maybe… just maybe, there is enough love left in her heart for her to see that this epiphany has changed me. It, along with the hours of therapy and friendships has turned me around. I’m still crushed. I still love her and I always will. I’m still in pain. But now my eyes are open and I am fully aware of my actions and their consequences.

Hopefully I get the chance to someday regain her trust, and ultimately, her friendship. Until then, I’ll just continue to work on me and hope that her kind heart will be able to forgive me.

So a friend told me about this guy that had put on over 100 lbs while in the Air Force. That’s pretty crazy, but hold on… after leaving the Air Force he was working as a nighttime exterminator and would routinely pickup a huge soda and a box of mini donuts on his way home after work… EVERY DAY. Needless to say he put on even more weight. Also needless to say he had acquired some very bad habits.

Then one day he saw a show on TV about Navy SEALS and decided right then and there that that’s what he wanted to do. At this point he was nearly 300 lbs. He called recruiter after recruiter who all basically laughed at him. He tried one last recruiter and he said to just come down to the office.

When he got there he was told that he was almost too old for the SEAL program and that he was also 105 lbs over the Max weight requirement. The recruiter told him that he’d have to lose the weight in two months in order to get in before the age cutoff…. so he did.

In 60 days he lost the weight! Over 100 lbs in 2 months! He then enlisted into the Navy and went to BUDS (SEAL school). After several setbacks he graduated and became a Navy SEAL… oh yeah, he also had a fear of water!

There is actually more to his story but I think you get the picture. This guy is driven. Ironically, he’s the same height as me and, at his heaviest, was a little above where I currently am. So I thought to my self…. what could I do if I matched his intensity? Well, I figured why not find out…

So join me on this 30 day challenge. It’s a personal challenge with no reward other than a sense of accomplishment and the ability to push my self (and my mind) to its limits.

I’m setting a crazy goal… but I’ll tell you more about that in another post. I have a game plan, I have the tools and I have the motivation so let’s see what happens. I am set on creating something amazing. It’s part of my new outlook on life.

Fuck the past and live for today! Fuck the people that don’t appreciate you and fuck the people that don’t realize your awesomeness.

I’ve hit the reset button. Meditation, visualization, yoga, trail running and hiking, healthy clean diet and NO ALCOHOL (that last one is for 30 days , let’s not get crazy). I’ll be hitting the gym, reading and learning and putting in the work.

I may not hit my unrealistic goal but if you aim for the moon you will absolutely hit the stars… Ready, Set, Go!

Those that know me know that I love country music. To me, it’s by far the greatest genre of music. What I enjoy most about country music is that the songs often speak to you and you can directly relate to the story in the lyrics. below I will post some of the songs that are on my current playlist. LISTEN to the lyrics. Hear them. Feel them.

Often, a song will come out and it will tell the story of exactly where I’m at right then in life. It’s crazy. It’s like the song was written for me, about me… currently there are three songs that hit the nail on the head for me:

Lady Antebellum- What if I Never Get Over You

Old Dominion- So You Go

Dylan Scott – I Lost You

Other songs describe people in your life and will forever be associated with them.

Luke Combs – Beautiful Crazy

Easton Corbin – Are You With Me

Then there are songs that hit you for a reason. They may not be new songs but they, again, tell your life story.

Josh Ward – More Than I Deserve

Aaron Watson – Be My Girl Tonight

There are many more songs that have touched me but these are particularly relevant to me right now.

I shared a few… okay, all of these songs with a good friend over probably too many adult beverages. She asked me, “why do you do this to yourself? STOP listening to these songs!”

I told her that I didn’t want to stop. Because when I’m in a place where I feel numb and cold, these songs stir emotion within me. They make me feel again. Yes, the message may be sad. They may speak of heartbreak or remind you of someone special but those emotions are real. Country music has the ability to speak to me when all others voices have been muted. It gives me life and it awakens my soul.

Now I get it… country music isn’t for everyone. For some it’s classical, or R&B or Jack Johnson (I’m not sure what that genre is called… maybe folk?).

The point is that music is a powerful medium that touches people in very unique ways. Find your music. Find the music that speaks to you and to your soul. Feel the beat in your heart and sing those lyrics out unashamedly.

Music is healing… music is memories… music is love… music is heartbreak… music is summertime… music is friends…

Music is life…

It’s graduation season and I had a short conversation with a phenomenal young woman that graduated yesterday. She mentioned how excited she was for her next chapter but then also said that she would miss everything she’s leaving behind.

You see, she’s going to college out of state and this will be the first time that she’s really been on her own. I mentioned how this experience will be something that she takes with her for the rest of her life. Because of that I told her to experience all there is.

I’ve thought a lot about this short conversation over the last day. What an amazing time in a young person’s life. What an adventure… what a challenge.

I thought about how she must be feeling today… she’s no longer in high school… soon she’ll be packing up her stuff and heading off to a new and spectacular place where she’ll spend the next four years learning about all things in life. She will learn a lot about herself… she will learn a lot about the world… she will grow into an even more spectacular human being than she already is. She will create life long memories and perhaps make lifelong friends. How awesome is that?

So to you, I say go out and embrace the world. Experience all that it has to offer. Take chances and push yourself. Soak in every bit of life. Explore your mind as much as you do your soul. Be awesome. Be present. Be you. Because you…. you are simply amazing.

When blue skies turn to gray and the brightness of each day turns to melancholy, it’s easy to withdraw and isolate. When we feel as if we have lost control of things that are important in our lives, it’s easy to become overwhelmed with negativity and sadness.

It’s times like these that can create even larger issues than the original ones. It’s times like this that you hit the symbolic “rock bottom”.

Until recently, I didn’t even know that I had to plan for this or have a game plan to get out of these situations. But through some incredible friendships as well as professional advice, I now have the tools needed to manage things like this.

Rock bottom is a terrible place to be but it’s also all about perspective. You can choose to see it as a negative or you can choose to frame it as a positive. I’m choosing positive.

I’m looking at rock bottom from this perspective: Anything that happens from here can only be an improvement. It can only be better than being at the bottom.

Now does that mean that everything will go as I want it to? Of course not, but it does mean that everything will better than where I’ve been.

It takes a lot of work and honest self evaluation to begin to work through your failures and mistakes. It is a humbling and brutal experience for sure. But it is also empowering. It is a hard pill to swallow, but it is also a tremendous learning opportunity.

Over the last 6 months or so I’d lost my drive. I’d lost my desire to pursue my passions. I’d lost my ability and passion for life and those I love. Doing so resulted in me losing someone very important to me, maybe forever. But again it’s all about perspective.

Today, I can see that I needed to hit this low in order to realize where I had drifted. Today, I am invigorated with a new found drive and passion for my photography, writing and association with a cause that means a lot to me. I’m refocusing on my self love and improvement. I’m expanding my social circle by meeting new people and doing new activities. I’m doing all of these things all while still mourning the loss of a truly amazing relationship.

Who knows what the future holds for me, or anyone else? Who knows if she’ll ever forgive me? Who knows if I’ll ever find another love as true and real as the love I had with her? The truth is that no one knows the answers to these and many other questions. What we do know is that this is an amazing life. It’s a life worth living and it is a life worth fighting for. What I also know is that a love like the one that I’ve lost is also worth fighting for. But I’ve learned (the hard way) that there is definitely a wrong way to fight…. Now to focus on the right way…